shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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