sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
