mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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