Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
