She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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