Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
