Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Randomize
