the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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