I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
bring money and cleavage
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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