i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
