perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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