he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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