i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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