I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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