Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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