We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
