so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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