im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
