i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
