My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize