I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
