Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
