after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
