I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
