I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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