ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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