if you like me you must not know who I am
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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