i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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