I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
