She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
