Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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