No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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