did you get engaged???
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
