dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I miss vodka workout Fridays
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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