I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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