I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
