your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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