I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
