You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
