Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Randomize
