just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
