I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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