The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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