nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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