it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
