Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
