im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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