Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
