I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
