i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
