i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize