she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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