Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
