If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
