it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize