im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize