someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
